its windy and breezy, rainy season is here!!!

usually, with a great season comes a Great story, maybe i like to think that i got reject in my scholarship. rather than being so stupid. so here i am, glue in some puzzle pieces left in my live. need more movie to watch more episode to go more chapter to read.
wait for my next post. its definitely about movie review.

my level of neurotic increasing

i decided to wrote about my top ten list fall movie playlist. im about to think what movie perfect for breezy and cold weather like fall. but suddenly i imagining myself in Seoul 2018 Fall. what am i gonna do in there, what color of coat i have, so i start to cry again and think my ruin Scholarship Application.
i dont know how long since i wrote last time, and yet i still didnt get a call from Korean Embassy, i keep waiting everyday. i pray more than i ever have. i believe that even underdogs like me has a day, i keep asking to god that this is what i always want since i was a kid theres nothing more i ask.

well i dont know why i wrote this thing in here, truthfully im scared to death. i feel so stupid now, what am i gonna do then.
do i have to keep waiting that mysterious call from embassy Chapter.

The Most Important Time in My Life

its a mid crisis everyone...

do you all remember what i said last time. that my next post im going to be in Seoul with a cup of espresso and living my dream. 

well, its just a week after i send the application and im as crazy as hell. every day i spent with tears and anxiety. i used all my charm and sword to wrote that personal statement and study plan i give all my best when preparing those document, i cant give up right now. but, i cant control my mind it goes crazy, it imagine all the negative stuff what am i suppossed to do if i get rejected. i read a book about dont kill myself im this close to sleep and dont have any reason to live. 

every evening i cry with my friends Lia, she told me to calm down and wait same goes with Swasti. but im not and optimistic person in the first place. i always the pessimistic one and its hard to change. but i dont want to roll over and died. 

so, there are two thing inside my head now, negative and positive. i cant watch the movie anymore, i cant hear the song, i feel so blind and deaf. but i wasn't stupid. so i dont know what to do.i pray more than ever, more than when i have to do finals. more than anything. because this is what i always wanted to do since i can read. study in foreign country. 

everyone, i need more more and more wish more than ever. this scholarship is my chance to be a happy human being. and i can finally watch olympiade in Pyeongchang if i get this scholarship 3rd list on the bucket. 

i god if only i wasn't so stupid...
and i wish this KGSP will help me to finally feels like a human being